Never yuck anyone else's yum

And other unsolicited advice

As many of you know, I had a baby three months ago. I’ve found it nearly impossible to make space for thoughts that don’t relate to him. Some of the things I think about are not even interesting to me, they are simply necessary and all consuming. The consistency of his poop, the weird red spot that appeared yesterday on his cheek, the best type of baby nail scissors to buy – I could go on but I can literally hear people unsubscribing already.

On the Venn diagram of topics relating to the baby AND (possibly) of interest to an audience of more than one, are the lessons I’d love to teach this little sleep thief, king of my heart.

Full disclosure: I am still trying to heed much of my own advice. I think it might just be a lifelong journey.

1. Never yuck anyone else’s yum

One of the most vital, transcendent and life affirming things we have in this life is enthusiasm. Whether their yum is astrology, coin collecting, flower arranging, comparative literature, tap dance, astro physics, gel manicures or God – the things we love keep us alive. This is not hyperbole.

If someone loves something, let them. Don’t be the guy who rolls his eyes because it’s cool to dislike a thing, or because you want to feel superior. That simply ain’t cool. The coolest people out there are comfortable in their own skin, they love what they love and they let other people do so with gleeful abandon. Be that guy.

2. Cultivate manners that go beyond the table

For the longest time I thought “good manners” were mostly confined to how I held my knife and fork, elbows off tables, punctuality, thank you cards, P & Qs and chewing with my mouth closed.

Something I’ve learned in my 36 years on earth, is that the things I just listed speak more to silent classism than they do good manners. If you’re raised in a house where you’re taught these things – good on you! That’s lovely. You’ll do well at Buckingham Palace. But judging someone because they don’t know that peas should either be pushed on to the fork when the prongs are facing down, and only ever scooped when the fork is in the right hand, poised as a spoon – is akin to saying, I’m judging you because you didn’t grow up in a certain kind of environment.

Manners that actually matter are actually chalked up to thoughtfulness. So please, send flowers to your friend in hospital, turn up to dinner with a bottle of wine, send a text to say “thanks for the good vibes last night”, clear the dishes without being asked, offer to lend a hand in the kitchen, wrap the gifts you give.

These are things that are remembered. These are manners that make the measure of a kind, thoughtful person.

3. Learn the art of small talk

Following on from point 2 – there are many things in this life that you’ll notice women doing more of (ahem, clearing the dishes, offering a hand in the kitchen). You might even be told that women are simply better at these things, it’s in their nature. Get ahead by understanding that’s not true.

When you find yourself in a gathering of men and women, you’ll notice that it is predominantly women who keep the kindling of conversation burning. This is an art form. This is social grace. This is emotional intelligence. This makes you indispensable, reliable, trusted and needed. It is social currency. Be adept at it and social situations will rarely feel difficult for you. This is (some of) the art of the feminine.

4. Never dress like a slob (even if it’s cool)

Your father made encouraged me to throw away several items of clothes when we met that included things like distressed vintage t-shirts, some of which literally had holes under the armpits. I think I thought they gave me a grungy, edgy sort of look when in reality, they just made me look like a slob.

At the time I thought he was being a bit of a pedant, but I can see now that he was right. Classic, clean, tidy, tailored clothes will never be wrong. Holes under the armpits, on the other hand…

5. Don’t be too obsessed with being on time

I mean this in the most literal sense. For the more metaphorical version see the next point (6).

I give this advice as a person utterly obsessed with punctuality. As my child, you will already know that I turn up early to everything in the most unchic, uncool, tightly wound kind of way and I simply don’t want that for you.

Don’t get me wrong, I don't want you to be the “hour late to everything” guy, but living with an internal drill sergeant that demands you arrive 5-30 minutes early to everything “just in case” is no way to live. The people running a little fast and loose with their schedules are having more fun in this life. Be like them.

6. Know when to run your own race and when to tie up your shoes and run like you’re being chased.

I want to tell you to take everything in your own time, to move at your own pace in perpetuity. To run your own race, as they say.

But the reality is that sometimes, a little urgency goes a long way. Don’t sit too long on exciting ideas. Don’t wait to be chosen (do the choosing). Don’t let fear speak louder than intuition. Move when you have the energy, rest when you don’t. Sometimes it really is that simple.

7. Your intuition will always feel calm

If you’re on the brink of a big decision (do you take the job? Leave the relationship? Start the business?) and you can’t tell your intuition from your asshole – ask yourself, beneath this fear or desire what else is there?

Fear and desire tend to feel frenetic. If there is a sense of calm, bingo – that’s your intuition. It’s designed to help you make the right choices. Learn how to listen to it.

8. Don’t worry about drinking loads of water

Honestly, when you’re thirsty, drink water. When you’re not, don’t. You’ll be perfectly fine.

9. Learn from the mistakes you make (preferably the first time you make them)

The universe will send you lessons in all kinds of disguises. Lessons will come in the form of things like people, jobs, sex and substances. Listen to what your body tells you about how each of these things makes you feel – both the highs and the lows – to work out if it’s something worth repeating.

Every time you repeat a mistake, the universe will undoubtedly send you the lesson again, louder each time, until you finally learn it.

If you’re really, really unhappy and you can’t quite work out why, look in the mirror. I love you, and I’m holding your hand while I say this, but you’re likely playing a big role in your own suffering.

10. Let creativity save you

Don’t let anyone tell you that you aren’t a creative person. It’s your birthright (as it is for every human). Find the type of creativity that sets you on fire. Find the kind of creativity that lights up the liminal space between now and eternity and ride that unicorn into flow state as often as you can.

Don’t wait for your creative impulses to hit you, seek them out. Sit down to write. Pick up the instrument and play. Stand at the easel and paint. Sit at the wheel and throw the clay, baby. Try everything, stop at nothing. Know that you ARE creativity and creativity IS you.

Know that my love for you is the ultimate act of creation, creativity and love. You were made from this stuff. Go forth and create, in whatever way makes you feel the most alive. And know that I’ll never yuck your yum.